literature

Doyle's Curiosity

Deviation Actions

Creativity-Squared's avatar
Published:
1K Views

Literature Text

Doyle had never seen or touched a dollar bill.

Of course, he had heard about what was called now as physical money—but it was only in the context of "It's a good thing that we all got rid of physical money a long time ago. It's really less hassle!"

Doyle was used to the concept of EC. After all, it was all he had known, and he had possessed an EC card since he was eight years old. That was the age the government gave children EC cards, and parents were required to place an allowance (however meager they wished) into the card.

EC, or electronic currency for short, was adopted by the United States and most European countries before Doyle was born, and even before his parent's time. The switch to EC had been done rather quickly, by an exective order by the president of the day, so he had heard. There had been government sponsored bonfires of paper money, and most coinage was seized by federal officials and melted into ore. That was all Doyle had heard about the transfer to EC. Most people didn't talk about it, and since the switch had been done years ago, there was not much to say.

But Doyle had always wondered about those days of old, where one fumbled for change to hand over to another person, instead of swiping a card. EC cards even stored grocery and chain store reward programs, so one could just use one card—your EC card, which you never left the house without. One would be in real trouble if they went to a store without an EC card. Your card also served as an id, accepted universally.

Doyle was thinking of all of these things as he walked to his grandfather's house. Hands in pockets, he continued to wondered what life used to be like back then. Was it better? Who knows.

He reached his grandfather's house and knocked on the door. "Pops?" he called in through the door. "Come in!" his grandpa responded. A pause, and then, "Do you have your key?"

"Of course," Doyle answered. Taking the key card out of his pocket, he swiped it through the key slot. There was a satisfying click as the door opened.

Pops and Doyle sat at the kitchen table, while Grams made tea for the both of them. The electric teapot chimed as a reminder that it was ready.

Pops, Grams, and Doyle sipped their tea in silence for a few minutes. There was some idle chatter, small talk that kept the table lively.

"Pops, tell me a story."

His grandfather set his tea down and folded his hands. "What kind of story, Doyle? I have so many I could tell!" He chuckled.

"Tell me a story about physical money, Pops. I've been wondering what it was like lately."

Shockingly, Gram's face fell, and started to turn pale. She said nothing, but to Doyle's utter surprise, she picked up her tea and walked out onto the porch, the door snapping shut behind her.

Doyle looked at Pops, eyes wide and eyebrows raised. "What was that about?"

Pops shook his head. "It's something she and I don't agree on. We love each other very much, but we don't agree on some things. This is one of them."

He stood up, pushing his chair in. "Come with me, Doyle. I want to show you something." He lowered his voice. "But you have to promise not to tell anybody."

Doyle promised.

His grandfather led him into his bedroom, Doyle confused about what was going on. He bent under the bed and pulled out a metal safe. Swiping a key card and punching in several codes, the safe swung open. Pops took out a plastic binder and what looked like to be a bulging leather envelope. He handled them with the utmost care, as though he was afraid at any moment something terrible would happen.

"You've got to promise me again not to tell a single soul, Doyle. There are traitors everywhere, and what I am about to show you could get me killed."

Doyle gulped. "I promise, Pops. I swear I won't tell anybody."

Pops nodded, satisfied with his grandson's answer. Setting the items on the bed, he opened up the folder. "This," he breathed, "is real money. The way it should be."

He wordlessly handed Doyle a rectangular bill. "That, son, is a one dollar bill. Be careful with it." He chuckled. "It wasn't worth much in those days, but it was something."

The young man examined the dollar in earnest. It felt papery, but sturdy, in his hand. It was a strange color of green, a shade he had never seen before. On the face was a portrait of a frowning man wearing what looked to be a wig. On the bottom of the portrait in little words it said, "Washington." The back of the bill had a strange pyramid symbol on one side and a weird looking eagle on the other side.

"Who's Washington?" Doyle asked, looking up.

Pops sighed. "Washington was one of the founders of this nation, a little under four hundred years ago. Today's government has washed our origins away, stripping it down to the bare minimum. Names have been all but forgotten."

It was true. Doyle didn't have a history class in school, but he did have a Patriotism class, as well as a class on Leadership, and Loyalty. He had always wondered why there was not a history class, but he had dared not ask his teacher.

Doyle sat on the bed, and held his grandfather's hand. The young man noticed tears on Pop's face.

"Our country... forgotten..." Pops murmured.
Yet another story for Flash Fiction Month. I have several things to say about this piece. The inspiration for this story came from two things: talking to my sister about debit cards, and my own grandfather showing me his coin/bill collection. I also feel that I could really expand on this story; I will do exactly that once FFM is over. If I hadn't stopped it short here, I would have written several pages more. Hence you may feel the story is a bit rushed. I apologize for that. I will be making edits in the near future, and there will be an update mark when that happens.

Critique for The Written Revolution: [link]

Questions for cromments and critiques:
:bulletblue: Does this story flow well?
:bulletblue: Do you think that this story can be expanded? In what parts would expansion give more life to the story?
:bulletblue: Are the characters realistic and relatable?
:bulletblue: Does the dialogue enhance the story or take away from it?
© 2012 - 2024 Creativity-Squared
Comments36
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
A-Boy-At-Heart's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

You have a great title. It’s simple and matches the story perfectly.

There were minimal grammatical errors and typos. In the fourth paragraph you spelled ‘executive’ wrong. In the sixth paragraph, it is grammatically correct to say wonder not ‘wondered’. In the fifteenth paragraph it should be risen not ‘raised’.

The language used was on the plain side. I’ll cite some examples.

The entire third paragraph: ‘Doyle was used to the concept of EC. After all, it was all he had known, and he had possessed an EC card since he was eight years old. That was the age the government gave children EC cards, and parents were required to place an allowance (however meager they wished) into the card.’

It becomes more and more visible to see redundancy in writing as it ranges from short poems to epics and novels. That is something to be conscious of. In this paragraph, the use of the right pronouns would greatly enhance the flow.

Also: ‘The young man noticed tears on Pop's face.’

It seemed like you were rushing when writing this entire story so as to not miss any key points by sparing details.

As for your specific critiquing questions on your story:

Overall this story has the feel of missing enough information to be a satisfying short story but has enough to make this feel like an introduction scene to a much longer short story or even novel.

As a reader there are things that just jump out at me, things that are dying to be unraveled in a novel… or at the very least a novella. I see Tragedy foreshadowing this happy little family. Doyle’s grandpa’s future doesn’t look too bright. Even his grandpa may be in for a rough ending. Doyle’s curiosity can’t end now. It will draw him further and further into an entangling web revealing a vulgar reality that all readers should be horrified by.

Also, when it comes to fictional political dystopias in the future, it is important stress the concepts on why they are so important and squeeze out all the implications… kind of like getting the juice out of a fruit without getting all that unnecessary pulp mixed in it… A great novel that represents that quality is George Orwell’s 1984. And don’t forget those invaluable antitheses.

I couldn’t imagine this without dialogue. It definitely helps and made this story much more enjoyable. Without dialogue, making the characters realistic and relatable will be extremely difficult since one can tell a lot about a person just by what they say and how they talk.

As I have mentioned, your language is a little plain so the characters are not too relatable yet they are realistic. They all have their own distinct personalities.

An area you did well in was the way in which you gave information about the setting. For example, you gave the time period not by outright saying it but mentioning it through pop’s dialogue claiming the founding of the nation being about 400 hundred years ago. One thing I personally liked the most was when Doyle examined the color of the dollar bill. The fact that he noticed it was a shade of green he had never once seen makes me think that the US has become densely urban in every corner of the land, nature becoming more and more a mythical thing which is believable, green being a color seen only as neon nightlights and other manmade inventions.

The flow stumbled a bit in the seventh paragraph. It isn’t a big deal but I think it would sound better if this was written like so:

Original: "Come in!" his grandpa responded. A pause, and then, "Do you have your key?"

Edited: “Come in!” his grandpa responded. Then after a pause,”Do you have your key?”

Once again I ought to comment on your good sense of flow. I breezed right through this story and you have some great concepts involved.